The last 18 days

20Oct08

Well there is not too much to say on one hand and, and way too much on the other.  I am sitting on the caitlin’s floor watching the hills, with my modern poetry anthology  and a carryout container of rice.  I had the colonoscopy today, let’s just say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, on the other hand not the biggest fan of drinking gross stuff for these medical tests.

The other week I went out to lunch with a friend of mine here at Purdue, who had suffered with narcolepsy, and he said that sometimes being sick forces you to live in the present, which is not always a bad thing.  Do not get me wrong, he is a great friend, but at the moment I feel like being sick robs you of the present.  I am frustrated, mostly at myself.  I am angry at my body.  It is not my fault I have these problems right now.  I don’t what to do to fix them except keep trying medicines and now that the tests are finished for now I suppose it is this waiting to see what happens?

I feel like I have no control over what my body does these days, the random falling asleep in class, body twitching in my sleep in class, and it not just the humiliation, I am anxious because, well the work I am turning in isn’t my best, it what my drugged body puts out…which isn’t always intelligable.

I don’t want to go home, I want to finish out the semester, but hate not being excited about my classes, I dread getting out of bed.  I am a victim to a terrorist, that lives within my body. 

Normally I finish with this cute connection and make everyone feel peppy, but I don’t know what to say.  I had high hopes for this semester, and well they deflated with the thought out clothing charts.  There are days I fear my hobo look called “rolled out of bed in the sweatpants I slept in” has made frequent appearances.

I guess if nothing else I have learned that do not take for granted your health.  Ironically I had a deadline today, I had to send in an article for Helen on Campus, and the title is “The Eight Things Women in thier 20’s Need to Know about thier Health”.  I submitted it this morning before going into the hospital and I thought to myself, isn’t it funny that colonoscopies do not make the list?  Not really I know. 

The one positive thing about today is that when I was confessing to the nurse that I was afraid my bottom was kinda big and not very firm and very white, she laughed and told me it was the best ass she had seen in a long time because most people getting colonoscopies are over 60.  Oh let me tell you how wonderful that was!

Second positive thing it there is a new continuation of The Hills!!!!  It is Whitney’s story in NYC called The City!!!!!!  Airs Dec. 29th!!!!!!!!

Ok this is sad but let me take pleasure in what little I can these days.

Ciao: barbaraanne

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